Daniel Nardicio

Posted By Jeff Chatterton

I was going to just write about a movie I recently watched, Weekend, which came out in 2011 and is on Netflix, but even though I enjoyed it, I don’t want to explain too much of its charm. Instead, I’m going through my Netflix to find other great Gay “themed” movies… WHERE NO ONE DIES. Listen, I love a good tear-jerker every once in a while, but not every movie about gay people has to end with someone dying of AIDS, getting beaten to death, or being a serial killer!

First off, lets start with the one that I just watched , “Weekend“.  It’s about a semi-closeted lifeguard and an outgoing artist who meet at a club, and their ensuing weekend together. I read a lot of reviews before seeing it, and I think in many ways that ruined some of the magic for me, so I’ll just say this: It’s subtle, has some beautiful scenes, raises interesting questions about modern gay relationships, and is very very cute. There are points which made me wonder if this was even a love story at all, or a very smart, almost political statement on how we as gay people are judged by the outside world.  The outside world is the omnipresent third character in the film, and how these two interact with it is handled with painful realism. Plus they’re both kinda cute, so there’s that.

Next on my list is Beautiful Thing. Another one from the UK. A teenaged love story about neighbors in a London housing project with a soundtrack from Mama Cass, this movie changed everything for me. It came out in 1996 when I was 18 and just creeping out of the closet myself. It was validation that young gay love can exist, and that is something every gay teenager needs to see more of. BONUS: Edge of Seventeen (1998), another cute coming out story, set in the early 80s.

Another one from the mid-’90s is The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of The Desert, a campy classic about three drag queens on a road trip across Australia in a bus called Priscilla.  Amazing writing, and on point performances from Terence Stamp, Guy Pearce, and Hugo Weaving (yes, Agent Smith is a drag queen). BONUS: Not to be confused with the similar To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything! Julie Newmar, which came out a year later. To Wong Foo is pretty good too, though it was by no means as critically acclaimed as its Aussie counterpart.  Patrick Swayze is great, but Wesley Snipes and John Leguizamo actually turn it the fuck out as drag queens Noxeema Jackson and Chi Chi Rodriguez.

Next up… I thought Transamerica (2005) was brilliant.  I was worried at first that Felicity Huffman wouldn’t be able to pull off the character Bree, a trans character in the midst of her gender reassignment.  I was also worried that this movie might be too deep or devastating for me.  Thankfully, my worries were unfounded.  She was amazing, and the movie was funny, witty, and very warm.  It was much more of a comedy than I was expecting, which was great. BONUS: Ma Vie En Rose, Belgian 1997 comedy about a little boy convinced he is a girl.

Last but definitely not least… Shortbus. I hope that all of you have seen Shortbus already, but if you haven’t, consider this your first warning.  The notorious movie with actual sex from director John Cameron Mitchell turned out to be be actually amazing! The film follows a group of individuals around New York as they explore love, sex, and relationships… with realistic dialogue, emotionally charged performances, and lots of sex.  I really loved this movie, and its hopeful message. BONUS: Hedwig And The Angry Inch!

There we have it… not just five, but NINE great gay movies on Netflix Where Nobody Dies!

Posted By Jeff Chatterton

Its the bar that everyone loves to hate, hates to love, and invariably stumbles through once or thrice at 3am. I first went to The Cock in 2003 when it was on Avenue A, started working there a year later. My first ever DJ gig was at the Cock. To say I have roots there is an understatement, and a truth I’d occasionally rather forget. No one wants to tell their mom they work at a place called The Cock, right?

Someone said to me once, “Oh, the Cock isn’t as fun as it was in 2004″, and I said, “Well, neither are you”.  Its still an east village institution, and love it or hate it, it’ll probably outlive us all. Or it’ll close next week, who knows? Never try to understand The Cock, just be glad it exists.

This Thursday Daniel had his MAGNUM party at The Cock, but I was working at Easternbloc so I couldn’t attend (I heard it was amazing though). The night before that I was DJing at Josh Sparber’s “Good Times” (also at Easternbloc) so I did my own 3am stumble to The Cock to catch the last few minutes of the Miss Cock & Soul Pageant, presented by Gant Johnson and Nashom Wooden, with celebrity guest judges Nita Aviance, Billy Beyond, Paul Alexander… I think? It was dark in there and I don’t exactly remember everything that happened.

Someone asked if this was Michelle Obama:

In true Cock fashion, the judges decision wasn’t made until almost 4am.

And the winner is…

Busted Queen!

No really. The winner’s name is Busted Queen, who you might know from Barracuda.

Busted counts her coins…

Jay Roth does double duty as go-go/spotlight operator…

I found a remnant of my weekly Monday night party, Manwich, which did a “Sesame Street Disco” night back in 2009:

And also of Homeskool, Jon Jon Battle’s Monday party before that:

All in all, it was an oddly nice trip down memory lane, and good to see that some things never change.

Now, can someone please pass me the hand sanitizer?

I received this letter when I announced Magnum- it’s totally real~ enjoy!

“Magnum.
The word itself brings me back to the day I first walked through those doors. Who knew that my entire life would completely change for the better and be the start of a new adventure once I left.

I was 17 yrs old, with very strict, Born-Again Christian parents. They loved me very much,  but God was #1 in their life and they believed what the bible said 150%. Now, by the time I was 17 they had already come to terms with the fact that no matter how hard they tried (since my 11th birthday), nor how much they punished me, they could Never keep men out of my bedroom!  So they finally made a compromise: Keep my Gaydom a secret. I can have men over. But the day my younger brother or sister found out that I was gay, I would no longer be allowed to live at the house. It was mostly my homoPhobic father, but my bible wielding mother was also a force to be reckoned with.
Once I turned 17, I figured why not expand beyond my bedroom door and venture out to the Big Apple and get lost in all of its Glory (holes).  I drove to Hoboken, parked and took the path into Manhattan.  I got off at a random stop and started walking until I bumped into a group of random flamboyant gay men heading to a bar named “13 Little Devils”. The name excited me and I decided to tag-a-long. When I arrived, I showed my ID that Clearly showed my age.  The bouncer looked at my ID, then looked at me and winked, “have fun lil guy “. I walked in excited as a school boy (kinda was one!) And luck had it it was 25cent drinks for an entire hour!  Needless to say I was absolutely hammered within minutes.  Standing at the bar, I was nearly knocked out by a 2×4,  aka. Long Dong Silver’s 10 inch monster! Only to find 4 more Massive cocks being stroked, caressed and taken whole throatedly by willing and eager hornballs!  I couldn’t believe what I was seeing… And which was more unbelievable? The size of their cocks or the skill of these bottomless mouths!   My 17yr old magnum was throbbing and oozing at this magnificent display of dirty, raw and passionate cock worship.
By the time I made it downstairs I could already feel the room starting to spin.  Upon walking downstairs, I was greeted by blackness. I could only Hear what was happening around me. Walking from one side of the room to the other, I felt multitudes of hands and fingers caress my body, grab at my nipples and squeeze my bulging cock.  I honestly couldn’t take the pleasure anymore so I dashed for the light and BOOM! Smack dabbed into two blonde-haird, blue-eyed gorgeous Euroboys. We quickly hit it off and made our way to the coat check boy. Turned out the coat check boy also wanted in on the action, but wasn’t getting out til later…Last thing I remember of the Magnum Party was exchanging numbers with him.
Opening my eyes, I felt I was approaching a white light. “Was I dying?” Nope. Good ole hangover friendly Subway Lights! Sitting across from me, the 2 gorgeous Euroboys. “Where are we going??” I ask…  ”Next station is…Hoboken” screamed the conductor. “We’re going to your house silly” they replied. The next few hours quickly flashed before my eyes: no sleep, sneaking them in and out,  work at 10am and  getting these boys back home!!  Needless to say that night would be one of the hottest experiences of my life  with an entire Magnum case emptied…or should I say filled

The next morning, no surprise, we slept in. Unfortunately my brother had watched a tv show in my room the night before and left his football water bottle on my night stand. Even more unfortunate was that he had football practice that morning and had to get into my room.   Talk about walking in on a construction site! No covers, 3 greased up bodies, intertwined, surrounded by lube bottles and condoms.  My 12yr old brother completely flipped and ran to my parents.  I woke up around 2pm and went to grab a pair of shorts, only to find that the drawer was empty. And so were the other drawers, dressers and closets! The phone rings, its my mother, “Get out of the house! Your father will be home in a few minutes, I had to use every ounce of strength in my body to hold him back from killing you in your sleep! Your brother is very disturbed and confused.  I have no choice but to honor your fathers agreement. You need to find somewhere to stay, at least temporarily until I can talk him out of this”. And that was it… I found my car packed with all of my belongings and shoved the euroboys inside (who then revealed to me the real reason they looked so similar…they were twin brothers!!)
I’m now 26 years old and looking back, if it hadn’t been for that Magnum party, I would have never moved to NYC at 18yrs old, would have never traveled across the US, would have never made the same friends I had (one being the coat check boy that I still talk to to this day,but we still haven’t hung out), would have never had the crazy adventures  I went on, would have never learned oh SO many important life lessons…and definitely would NOT have such a fun story to tell my grandkids.

Thank You Daniel… for proving that being dirty doesn’t always put you on the shit end of the stick.”

~ Carmine Soprano

Posted By Jeff Chatterton

Do tip… a minimum of $1 per drink is adequate. (I know tipping is different in different countries, but $1 per drink should be the minimum in NYC)

Do let your DJ know if you enjoy the music.

Don’t be obnoxious with song requests, and don’t suggest the DJ plug in your iPod.

Do try to be social, meet new people.

Don’t sit in the corner on grindr.

Do order simple drinks if your bartender is busy.

Don’t say “make my drink strong”.

Do have your ID.

Don’t lose your ID.

Do follow the general rules of the bar.

Don’t have sex, drug parties, fights etc in the toilet while there’s a line of people waiting.

Do be friendly.

Don’t act like an asshole outside the bar.

Don’t act like an asshole inside the bar.

Do tip the go-go boy.

Don’t molest the go-go boy.

Do your hair.

Don’t ask the staff where is a better place to go.

Do ask if there are drink specials.

Don’t try and haggle the prices.

Don’t throw up.

Do be responsible, the bar staff is not your babysitter.

Don’t ask for a drink ticket (exceptions to the rule – if you work there, if you’ve slept with the person, or if you are close enough to that person to borrow money).

Most Important Rule:

Don’t fart on the dancefloor!!

Posted By Jeff Chatterton

(photo: Kevin Thomas Garcia)

If you go out at all in NYC, you’re probably familiar with Go-Go Boy Matthew Camp.  I first met Matt back in the stone age (2007) when I was a go-go boy, and he was not.  Actually, one of the last times I ever go-go danced was one of his first, when he started working at Sugarland and I was moving on to other opportunities, ones that allowed me to eat carbs.

He quickly and very naturally rose to the cream of the crop, becoming one of the most popular and sought after go-go boys in the city.  I wish I had something snarky to say about him but alas, I don’t.  He’s as sweet and friendly as he is adorable. He’s funny, charming, and his body makes me hate myself.  Basically, he’s the worst.  If you ever see him shaking his thing somewhere, please give him a tip for me.. fives or tens, preferably. I’ll pay you back, I promise.

JEFF:  How and when did you get your start go-go dancing?

MATTHEW: I actually started dancing at The 20 Club here in NYC . But being a newbie I totally got scared and only ended up working there a month or two. Then I stopped for a while until I was asked to go-go at Sugarland in Brooklyn, about one year later.

JEFF: What’s a typical day like for you? What do you do when you’re not dancing?

MATTHEW: I try and go to the gym every day for at least 1 hour but preferably longer. I spend about half my week upstate at my studio, it’s like a goth version of the factory.

JEFF: Do you think things have changed much in bars & clubs in the last few years?

MATTHEW: Things have changed a lot. There is a severe lack of creativity. Things have become homogenized and boring for the most part, if u want a unique experience you really have to search.

JEFF: Go-go ultimatum: Would you rather be dancing on a podium or on the bar?

MATTHEW: Podium or a bar… depends on how much money is in my bank account!

JEFF:  Any memorable go-go experiences… good, bad, or both?

MATTHEW: The most recent Gogo experience I had was not my own…  I was a patron at The Cock on new years and I had a very friendly go-go boy wrapped around my fingers… literally.

JEFF: Where can people come see you dance?

MATTHEW: Thursdays at g lounge, Fridays at Easternbloc and Sundays at Vandam!

Jan 21^st: Miss’d America New Orleans

Jan 26^th: COCK

Feb 4th^th: Boing Show

Dworld Dance Event

Feb 8-13^th: Key West Burlesque Festival

Feb 13^th: Feinsteins Downtown Series: Ingrid Lucia

Feb 18^th: Nardi Gras at Playgirl Mansion

Feb 19^th: Feinsteins Downtown Series: Amber Martin and Bridgett Everett

Feb 23^rd TheCock

Feb 25^th: Dworld Dance Party

Feb 28^th: Feinsteins Downtown Series: Molly Pope and Cole Escola

Feb 29: Feinsteins Downtown Series: Natalie Joy Johnson and Angela Di Carlo

March 2nd^: Ssion at Highline Ballroom

March 3^rd- 10^th New Orleans Entreprenuer Week NOEW

March 22^nd: Cock Spring Fling

March 23^rd : Underwear Party at 30 Lex: Black Party Weekend

March31st: Boing Show/Dworld Dance Party (tentative)

April 5^th: Bad Friday at The Cock!

Or: A Daytime Guide for Tourists, and Entertaining Your Visiting Relatives

By: Jeff Chatterton

(Part 1 is here)

I had some great responses to my first 5 Things To Do in NYC, thanks for the feedback!  Before I start my list this time, I wanted to go over something that has been on my mind for a while now. Travel etiquette.

I have spent about 15 years working in the service industry, on the receiving end of thousands upon thousands of tourists and customers. I’ve worked in hotels, countless bars, souvenir shops, gay clubs, restaurants and, yes, Starbucks. One of the most important things I have learned (in regards to tourism, travel, and the human condition) comes from the Pulp song Common People:

‘cos everybody hates a tourist
especially one who thinks
it’s all such a laugh

The basic point being… if you are a tourist, please don’t act like one.  Just because you’re not from here (wherever here is) doesn’t mean you can act like an idiot, and oblivious to the customs of that region.  You have the internet, learn about the place a little before you show up there. Know whether or not you’re supposed to tip in a bar or restaurant (if you’re in NYC, the answer is YES, even you, Canadian… you’re from Calgary, I know they tip there).  Get a sense of the city, and don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it, but don’t be helpless. Being in an unfamiliar city can be terrifying, but its just a place you haven’t been to yet.  NYC can be huge and daunting (and sometimes it is), but its just a place.  There’s nothing wrong with looking at a map if you don’t know where you’re going, or asking for simple directions, but be polite, and don’t make a scene. The only thing worse than an obnoxious New Yorker is a tourist who thinks its ok to be obnoxious because they’re in New York.  It’s not.  For the most part, New Yorkers are very pleasant people… just with a very short fuse. Don’t test that fuse!

More advice: Sidewalks are for walking, not taking pictures, get out of the damn way.  Move IN to the train (sorry, subway), if you block the door you are liable to get shoved. Pedestrians use traffic signals like suggestions, but cops occasionally do give tickets for jaywalking, be warned. Never keep your wallet in your back pocket.  Hold on to your purse, murse, or backpack, wear the strap across your chest rather than just slung over your shoulder. The higher the Avenue number, the further west you’re going, and the higher the street, the further north.  Just remember, Avenues run north-south, Streets run east-west… in reality THEY DON’T, but your compass doesn’t apply in Manhattan!

Have fun!

6 – Williamsburg Bridge

The Williamsburg bridge isn’t a tourist destination in the same way as the Brooklyn Bridge, but it connects Williamsburg to the Lower East Side / East Village, and on a nice day (or even a crappy day) it’s a nice walk. You can wander around the LES, grab a coffee or something sweet at Sugar Sweet Sunshine, and walk over the bridge in about 20 minutes. From there head north into Williamsburg, up Bedford avenue, or over to the waterfront, which I mentioned before. Yes, Williamsburg is kind of a “trendy” neighborhood right now, but its where I live, so I’m partial to it.  (Maybe I’ll do a blog post on Reasons Why I Love Williamsburg/Greenpoint, but that’s another story)

7 – The Piers

Oh, I know, the Christopher Street Pier isn’t what it used to be, blah blah blah. Nothing is what it used to be. All of Manhattan, and most of NYC, has been taken over by family-friendly condos, overrun with strollers and investment bankers. Were just trying to enjoy what we can. The Pier is a small slice of gay heaven in the warmer months, walking distance from anywhere downtown and one of the few places throngs of gay people congregate and carry on during the daytime. There are still the young pier queens, mostly hanging out closer to the greenway that runs along the westside highway, but all shades, ages, and sizes of LGBTQ people still spend nice days on the long patch of grass. The Park Rangers can be real dicks though, so follow the rules carefully.

8 – Gayborhoods

Almost every neighborhood in NYC has its own gay scene, and each reflect the area they are located.   Chelsea, The East Village, The West Village, and Hell’s Kitchen are probably the most well known gay spots in Manhattan, but there are clusters of gays all over…  Astoria, Park Slope, Williamsburg, Greenpoint, even Bushwick.  During the day, these places all have great restaurants, shops, things to do and see. Don’t get stuck in (ugh) Midtown. There is nowhere worse to be in NYC than Midtown during the day, especially on the weekends. My favorites for wandering around aimlessly (of course) are the East Village and Williamsburg. (I know, i’m like a broken record, but seriously.)

9 – Brooklyn Museum

I’ve been to the Brooklyn Museum twice in as many months, and both times loved it. Right now there’s a great exhibit called Hide/Seek, which is the first exhibit to focus on sexuality and gender in American portraiture. Its a little diluted, and not as controversial as I’d have liked, but a really amazing collection nonetheless.  Last time I went was for the opening of friend of my boyfriend, Kimya Nawabi, winner of the recent season of Work of Art. It was on a Thursday night, they’re open till 10pm on Thursdays, and the Museum was so beautiful and tranquil. Definitely one of my favorite Museums in NYC.

10 – Times Square

No, I haven’t lost my mind. In all its tackiness, all its disgusting tourist-ness, over the top Disneyfication… I still think Times Square is something that everyone visiting NYC should see… at 3am.  Do not, I repeat DO NOT bother going to Times Square between the hours of 9am and midnight. It is a vile place to be during the day and you will probably hate it. You won’t catch anyone from NYC there during the day unless they absolutely have to, because of work… or some visiting  family member is dragging them there.  It is a circus, it is a zoo… with none of the reasons why you go to a circus or a zoo.  Go in the middle of the night. The only reason to go is to see the lights anyway, so why would you go during the day? There will be something open, a Starbucks, a McDonalds, a Pretzel vendor. Just go and get a coffee or a pretzel or a filet-o-fish and take in the most over-the-top, sensory overload, tribute to consumerism, and realize you are standing in the center of the city that is the center of the world.

Sure, maybe New York isn’t as great as it was “back in the day”, whenever that was, but its still pretty fucking amazing.  I have spent approximately 2,749 days in NYC, and have not tired of it yet. Its a pain in the ass, it can sometimes be hell on earth, but its still better than most of the alternatives.

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Complaints?? Click HERE

(you know you are dying to click it- go on, CLICK IT!!!)

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I know after NYE, it’s hard to even get excited over the weekends yet- so we’re taking it slow, and only putting the tip in with this easy going, fun event this Sat for MLK Weekend. But rest assured,  starting next week it’s going to be bonkers around here with events, shows and nakidity!

So….

This Saturday Night! a double bill of naked proportions!

with Brian Barry

Daniel Nardicio Presents: Dirty Laundry

(if you missed the last one, it was hilarious and the response was great- this time, we’re keeping the space open till 2am for a clothing optional afterparty!

You can come after the comedy if you like for only $20! from 10-2am it’s like a regular DN party!

I am applying to go to New Orleans for Entrepreneur Week- would you go to my Application and “like” it so my chances are better??

thx!

Next Week!

join myself, Bianca Del Rio, Logan Hardcore, Gusty Winds, Epiphany and Sabel Scities as we take over Atlantic City for Miss’d America! Plus these room rates make it so cheap to go down!

Daniel Nardicio presents Magnum!

One night only at The Cock: Thursday, Jan 26th

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The 10th Annual Nardi Gras Underwear Party!

Saturday, February 18th: Celebrate the 10th year of DN’s hilarious and uber sexy Mardi Gras celebrations with New Orleans style music, 5 naked ragin cajun dancers, Mardi Gras beads galore plus an all night Pat O’Brien’s Hurricane Open Bar! Plus the Big Easy Contest- get the most beads throughout the night and win $100!

Clothing optional Underwear party $30 in advance- $40 at door. 30 Lexington Ave btw 23rd and 24th  5th floor

Tix HERE

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Why? you ask, is daniel so insistent about getting us all on twitter following him? Well, my game plan is to get you on Twitter so i can more quickly, simply and effectively impart info about events to you. In the very rare case i have to cancel an event, or it’s sold out suddenly, or i decide I want to make a last minute super cheap offer to followers i can best do that on Twitter- so Follow!

love and

from the crew at Dworld

Or: A Daytime Guide for Tourists, and Entertaining Your Visiting Relatives

By: Jeff Chatterton

Whether you’re an NYC native (do those exist anymore?), have lived here for years, or are just planning a visit, there are tons of things to do in New York City. Not all of them are great, some of them are ridiculously overpriced, many of them you can skip altogether.  The trouble with NYC is that it’s so packed, so busy, and such a headache to get from place to place, that one “destination” could take up half your day.

If you live here, or have been here several times, you probably won’t be surprised I’m going to skip right over places like The Empire State Building and the Statue of Liberty. They cost too much, take too long, and the payoff is not worth it.  I’ve been to the Museum of Natural History a few times and realized this last visit that it’s pretty lame.  Dioramas and dinosaur bones are fun for about five minutes and then its just a lot of screaming children.

But there are LOTS of things to do in NYC that are cheap, or even free, and will give you a much better idea of what this city is all about.

1 – The Highline

I love the Highline. Snaking through the meatpacking district, chelsea and midtown west, the former railroad track is now an elevated park and pathway, open year round to the public, free of charge.  There are several events throughout the year along the Highline itself as well as in The Lot , and event space under the Highline at 30th street. I like the Highline because its a great place to relax, take a stroll, or get from place to place withough dealing with street traffic.
What You’ll See: Meatpacking, Chelsea, gallery district, Midtown, gays.

2 – Waterfront Parks

Especially if you’re visiting in the warmer months, there are dozens of great parks on the water, with some amazing views of the city.  We forget that Manhattan is an island, surrounded by water. Technically Brooklyn is also on an island, as the westernmost part of Long Island.  Two great waterfront parks in Brooklyn are by the Brooklyn Bridge and in Williamsburg at the end of North 7th.
What You’ll See: Views of Manhattan, Williamsburg, DUMBO, hipsters, gay hipsters, me.

3 – MoMA PS1

One of the oldest institutions in the US dedicated to Contemporary Art, MoMA PS1 is one of my favorite museums in the city.  Its in Long Island City, easily accessible, and much less crowded than its Manhattan counterparts.  Check out the summer Warm Up series every Saturday, which features internationally renowned performances and DJ sets in the outdoor space. Past events include Horse Meat Disco, Solange, Simian Mobile Disco, Das Racist and more.
What You’ll See: Long Island City, art school fags, Modern Art.

4 - Staten Island Ferry

I know, just trust me on this one.  The Staten Island Ferry doesn’t scream “tourist attraction”, but I took some visiting relatives on the ferry ride and they loved it. First, its free.  You can jump on the ferry after wandering around Lower Manhattan, grab a beer (yes, they serve beer on the ferry!), and enjoy the ride.  Its a great view of the city, a nice chance to see New York from the water, and if you’re on the right side of the boat (the Starboard side) You’ll get a great view of The Statue of Liberty.   Once you get to Staten Island, you can… well, you can hop back on the ferry and get back to Manhattan. I’m sure there are lovely things to do in Staten Island, right?
What You’ll See: Tired New Yorkers, Statue of Liberty, Views of Manhattan, Jersey Shore Types.

5 – Coney Island and other Beaches

Coney Island is tacky, terrible, and a big mess.  I went swimming there once and a diaper floated past me in the water. But, its easy to get to by subway, and the tackiness does occasionally come full circle back into amazing-ness. Luna Park is a fun distraction, Nathan’s Hot Dogs feels like a requirement, and The Cyclone roller coaster is truly terrifying. I love the NYC beaches because they’re a quick escape from the city. An hour on the subway or so and you’re in a completely different place. Nearby Brighton is a bit better beach and has some nice restaurants.  Jacob Riis Park is less accessible but a much better beach, and Sandy Hook is least accessible but has a clothing optional area and is arguably the best above all.
What You’ll See: Everything.

Stay tuned for my next 5 suggestions later this week!

Posted By Jeff Chatterton

I used to like Simon Doonan. He made himself into something of a celebrity by being a window dresser at Barney’s, a feat which I found fascinating. He always had something funny and bitchy to say on Top Model or I Love the ’30s or whatever.

Earlier this week, when performance artist Colette staged an impromptu protest outside a Barney’s window for “Gaga’s Workshop” (yes, that was really a thing that happened), I was reminded of the whole 1997 Jack Pierson scandal, in which Doonan was accused to have stolen Pierson’s work for use in another Barney’s display.  While I find it hard to believe that Doonan was unfamiliar with Pierson’s letter sculptures, I did enjoy reading his response to Pierson, a witty retort in the New York Observer. In the end, it became a game of he said, she said (or “she said, she said”), with Doonan claiming he wasn’t familiar with Pierson’s work but there was an admitted resemblance.

The whole thing… Doonan, Pierson, Colette, Gaga… it all left a strange taste in my mouth.  Obviously, I’m not a fan of plagiarism, but sometimes coincidences do happen, and there are only so many original ideas in the world.  But apparently not many of them are coming from Simon Doonan: enter his new book… “Gay Men Don’t Get Fat”.

A few days ago I was pointed to a NY Times article by our intrepid leader Daniel about Doonan’s new book, “Gay Men Don’t Get Fat”.  The article is filled with aged one-liners about how gay people are like this and straight people are like that (“Gay chips are baked,” he said. “Straight chips are deep-fried. It’s that simple.”)  I read the article with more and more disdain, and by the time I’d finished, I was practically seething.

First of all, yes, I know its satire. At least I hope its satire.  But these jokes were tired twenty years ago, this notion that gay men are all thin and bitchy and wear paisley shirts. We aren’t.

“The way he sees it, gay food is lighter and brighter. It feels art-directed, not just tossed together and deep-fried, with an attention to aesthetic and dietary detail.”

This is an actual quote, from an actual New York Fucking Times article. GAY FOOD?! Are you fucking kidding me?!

Meanwhile, the idea and title of the book was lifted directly from Mireille Guiliano’s 2004 bestseller “French Women Don’t Get Fat“, but don’t tell Doonan that, I’m sure he’ll say he wasn’t familiar.

The problem I have with all of this is that its such a tired and boring way to paint the gay community. Gay men are not all thin, anymore than we are all mincing queens, gym bunnies, or asexual teacups.  Some of us actually prefer meatloaf, which he refers to as “the Burt Reynolds of foods”, over sushi, which he says “is some seriously gay food”… I wish I were making all of this up.

The entire premise, of course, is to sell books to straight women. Straight women who love having gay men as pets to do their hair, make them dresses and go shopping with them. Look how wonderfully eccentric we are, look how faaaabulous! Another cosmopolitan! Its so Sex & The City.  Doing a little gay dance for the amusement of straight people is, to me, both demoralizing and debasing.  I am not gay to amuse you, and my gayness is not especially amusing. Oh I’m very amusing in thousands of different ways, but my sexuality is not here for your enjoyment, ladies.

When being a gay man is chalked up to something that can be equated with food choices and lifestyle habits, it completely voids the complexities of what it means to be a gay man, all to shill some godawful book about Arugula. If one more straight woman says to me “I am a gay man trapped in a woman’s body”, I might hit her.  A real “gay man trapped in a woman’s body” is a gay female-to-male transexual. I know plenty of them, and you ma’am, are not one.  But gay men seem to crave this type of attention from straight women, we don’t even mind when Kathy Griffin calls us “her gays” (which is just the modern equivalent of the always obnoxious “Ladies, Amiright?!”).

“I love sweeping generalizations,” Doonan says “Sweeping generalizations are the key to everything, and they invariably contain nuggets of truth. Sometimes infinitesimally small nuggets.”

Here’s a nugget for you, Simon Doonan: you’re a turd.